Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.