me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.