Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
can you read it!!??
maan!
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.