ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Why font matters.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls