ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do