ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
what the hell pray for carter everyone
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
lol
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.