[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
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Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
WHO DID THIS?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
lol
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.