I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.