Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
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The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?