me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME