judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
You Might Also Like
they really do be looking like this
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken