ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories