My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.