Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
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I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
the #horror is real!
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.