Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
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Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?