Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?