Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
You Might Also Like
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My friend had her baby at home and I can鈥檛 even give myself a manicure at home
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what鈥檚 your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that鈥檚 the problem.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I鈥檒l clean your teeth for half price.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
wtf is this choreography 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we鈥檙e all dealing with a lot rn
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t