Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
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I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Monday?
No. Next question.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do