Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I ate everything, including the H.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?