Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
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Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.