[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
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ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.