How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.