I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in