Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
accurate
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.