*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
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“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I’d … I’d rather not.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline