@jake_lach: Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
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@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I like a man with an air of mystery. Me: [trying to impress her] I'm under investigation for murder.
@MAB1013: There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.
@Donna_McCoy: If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
@UncleDuke1969: *pulls up pants* Me: It feels like I've got the world's worst wedgie! Proctologist: That's normal. M: ... P: Hey... Have you seen my glove?