@jake_lach: Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
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@Discourt: My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
@TravLeBlanc: I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
@JoshuaFlail: My Pops told me that you can't go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
@CoatCzech: Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons? Her: Will there be children dining today? Me: No. The crayons are for me.