I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
what could possibly go wrong?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Meme Monday.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme