You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
You Might Also Like
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.