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my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Body by cheese-puffs.
Meanwhile in Canada…
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant