ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Would you wear it?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I missed you with all my darts
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My dating profile:
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
No chill.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.