ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.