I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited