I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
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JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
PLOT TWIST:
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.