Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.