“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.