No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Risking my life for fun.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?