I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
One of the best
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
he was correct
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like