Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
is this how new cars are made??
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Breaking news:
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.