me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
where the womens at?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
is it earth
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?