me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
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if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.