me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
😂 amazing answer
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
oh my gosh!!
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.