me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up