Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs