Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
i will not be silenced
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
next level snooze
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
the battle rages on
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.