Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Monday?
No. Next question.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
If you know, you know
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?