Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
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“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
thanks auntie mary
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane