Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
How to woo a woman
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.