Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.