*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.