Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
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[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
When someone trying to leave me
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.