ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
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*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Ken is short for chicken
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Was it something I said?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?