me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
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My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Um … Hot Wings please
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.